TINDER-HELLA (Radio Play Script)

SCENE 1: PLAYING

WOMEN LAUGHING

SWIPE (x4)

VICKY: Oooh. He’s cute.

DESIREE: Seriously? Look at that nose. No thank you.

MARIA: I’d let him stick that nose where it doesn’t belong.

VICKY: Maria?! You’re such a slut.

MARIA: Hey! The only time Tom gives me the old schnozing is when the Bulls win. I can’t wait until next season.

DESIREE: Jeez. Can’t wait to get married. Sounds like a lot of fun.

MARIA: My wallet ain’t complaining.

VICKY: Your wedding was so nice. The resort… the beach… I want to get married in a forest. It’ll be perfect, Desiree.

DESIREE: Yeah. Perfect. Until everyone gets attacked by ticks and mosquitos.

MARIA: Would probably be the last time someone gets sucked in that marriage.

VICKY: Gross. Brad’s not like that. He’s sweet… and kind…

MARIA: …And gay. I’m not shaming the man but he gives the vibe. He should live free and be himself.

DESIREE: Maria, stop it. We’re on a mission. We have to focus here.

MARIA & VICKY: Sorry, Des.

DESIREE: This one?

MARIA & VICKY: Pass.

SWIPE

DESIREE: This one?

MARIA: No.

VICKY: Maybe…

SWIPE

DESIREE: That’s a no. (BEAT) Oh my god. Ew. No. No.

MARIA: (LAUGHS) Let me see. Papa Legba? Ew…

VICKY: That’s not nice guys. He can’t be that bad. You can hardly see him.

DESIREE: He’s like 50 and has dreads. Besides, do you see those crazy eyes? He looks like some kind of weird voodoo witch doctor.

MARIA: Maybe a doctor of love. You gotta swipe right, Des.

DESIREE: It says he’s 5 miles away. What if I run into him one day?

MARIA: That’s a definite yes. Swipe!

SWIPE

MATCH SOUND EFFECT

VICKY: Oh, cute. You guys are a match.

DESIREE: Thanks a lot.

MESSAGE RECEIVED ALERT

MARIA: Oooh. Message! Message, message, message!

DESIREE: Great. Let’s see how charming this one is.

PAPA LEGBA: Hello my queen. You are such beautiful. Much breasts. I thirst for you.

DESIREE: I can’t respond to this.

MARIA: I can. Give me the phone. (BEAT) Hola Papi. You look like a good time. Want to put chorizo in my burrito?

MESSAGE SENT SOUND

VICKY: What’s chorizo?

MARIA: Mexican sausage.

VICKY: Gross.

MESSAGE RECEIVED ALERT

PAPA LEGBA: I from Haiti. I very much like to meet with you. I give you much fortune.

MARIA: Man’s promising a lot. Gotta check out the goods to know if he’s serious. (BEAT) Show me I am your queen, Papa. Send me a picture of your scepter.

MESSAGE SENT SOUND

DESIREE: Did you just ask him for a dick pic?

VICKY: Why would you do that?

MARIA: Come on. Any guy who would actually send it deserves to be laughed at.

DESIREE: Typing… Typing… Typing…

MESSAGE RECEIVED ALERT

ALL GIRLS: EWWW!!!

GIRLS LAUGH

VICKY: Is it supposed to look like that?

DESIREE: It’s like a rotten sweet potato.

MARIA: C’mon. Be opened minded. I’ve seen dildoes weirder shaped than that.

VICKY: But where is the tip?

DESIREE: He’s not circumcised, Vicky.

VICKY: Oh. And what is that thing coming out of the side?

MARIA: Not sure if it’s a testicle or a gigantic vein.

DESIREE: Eww.

MESSAGE RECEIVED ALERT

PAPA LEGBA: Where you, Desire? I like to meet with having you.

DESIREE: So what are you going to say to Papa?

MARIA: I’m not going to say anything. I’m done with this. Unmatch and let’s move on.

VICKY: That’s so mean.

CLICK

DESIREE: Unmatched. Back to business ladies. Mama needs a rebound.

MARIA: (BEAT) That one is hot.

SWIPE

VICKY: Awe. He has kids. Look how cute they are…

DESIREE: Nope.

SWIPE

DESIREE: No way! (BEAT) Papa Legba is back.

MARIA: How sweet… Your Haitian king has found his queen again.

VICKY: I thought it blocks a person when you unmatch them.

MARIA: It does. He must have made a new account to find me. See this one says he’s 3 miles away. Before it said 5. Probably picking random area codes.

SWIPE

MATCH SOUND

MARIA: Why did you match?

DESIREE: I didn’t. I swiped left.

MESSAGE RECEIVED ALERT

VICKY: What did he say?

DESIREE: It’s another dick pic.

MARIA: Seriously? Same one.

DESIREE: No. A different picture with the same rotten sweet potato. I can’t believe he’d send another one.

VICKY: Really. Let me see. (BEAT) You know, the more I look at it, it’s not that bad.

MARIA: I kind of see what you mean. It’s got a lot of girth. Plus the weird ones always try a lot harder. Maybe you should give him a try.

DESIREE: No. He’s a creep. I’m unmatching him. Again!

CLICK

MESSAGE RECEIVED ALERT

DESIREE: What the hell? A new message. I just got rid of him.

PAPA LEGBA: My queen. Where are you go?

DESIREE: I’m sorry. I don’t think we are a good match. I can’t be your queen.

MESSAGE SENT SOUND

(BEAT)

MESSAGE RECEIVED ALERT

PAPA LEGBA: I find you. We become unite.

DESIREE: I don’t want to meet. It was a misunderstanding. Please leave me alone.

MESSAGE SENT SOUND
CLICK
MATCHED SOUND

DESIREE: Just unmatched and guess who it is again? This time 2 miles away.

VICKY: Why don’t you forget the Tinder thing, Desiree. We’ll just keep it a girls night. I’ll call Brad and let him know We’re watching a Ryan movie?

DESIREE: Which Ryan?

VICKY: Gosling.

MARIA: Hurst

DESIREE: Reynolds it is.

MARIA: Hell yeah. Netflix and chill with us sexy ladies. A little pizza and a lot of wine and who knows… If you play your cards right, you might even get lucky, Des.

DESIREE: Don’t talk dirty unless you’re gonna back it up, Maria. I’ve been thinking about your burrito all night.

SCENE 2: NIGHT

(OFF) ROMANCE MUSIC

PHONE BUZZ

VICKY: Sorry ladies. I have to go. Brad wants to see me before he goes to sleep.

MARIA: I think that means his boyfriend left and he has to wash the guilt of gay out of his mouth.

VICKY: He isn’t gay.

DESIREE: I’m sure you’ll love him no matter what.

TEXT MESSAGE RECEIVED ALERT

DESIREE: Again?

MARIA: Papa? No way! How do you know it’s him?

DESIREE: He sent another dick pic.

MARIA: Unreal. Let me see it. Well, it actually looks pretty good this time.

DESIREE: Are you kidding me? How could you think that?

MARIA: I don’t know. Ryan Reynolds got me all worked up.

VICKY: How did he get your number?

DESIREE: I have no idea.

MARIA: Let me see your phone. Um, Des… What did you do?

DESIREE: Nothing. Why?

MARIA: You’ve been texting him all night. I love you, King… Come for me… Take me away… What were you thinking?

DESIREE: I didn’t do that. I swear.

VICKY: This is serious, Des! Maria, fix this.

MARIA: Yeah, I’ll fix it. Give me that phone

TYPING

MARIA (CONT): Hey shit face. I don’t want to see you or your wrong dong anymore. So fuck off, leave me alone, and go away.

TEXT MESSAGE SENT
TEXT MESSAGE RECEIVED

VICKY: What did he say?

PAPA LEGBA: I’ll be right there.

DESIREE: What does he mean by that? That doesn’t make sense. Maria, give me my phone. (BEAT) Holy shit! You gave him my address!

MARIA: No. I didn’t. I swear. Let me see.. (BEAT) I didn’t write that. I swear. I told him to fuck off.

DESIREE: I can see it right here. You typed this. You did.

MARIA: I was hypnotized by his dick pic.

VICKY: It’s not funny. We can be in real danger Maria.

DESIREE: I don’t know what to think. None of this makes any sense. All I can think of is the massive yam between his legs.

KNOCK ON THE DOOR

DESIREE: Come in.

VICKY: What are you doing?

DESIREE: I don’t know. His penis… I can’t think…

DOOR CREAKS OPEN

TRIBAL MUSIC

MARIA: Ay, Papi! Look at those robes.

PAPA LEGBA: I have come for woman.

VICKY: Oh no.

PAPA LEGBA: Show me Desire.

DESIREE: What do you want from me?

PAPA LEGBA: You summoned. You called. You will see Papa Legba in his glory.

ROBE DROPS
TRIBAL MUSIC INTENSIFIES

ALL WOMEN: Wow.

MARIA: I have to touch it.

VICKY: Maria, you can’t. You’re married.

MARIA: I can’t help myself. I’m being pulled in by the power of the potato.

DESIREE: What are you doing to us?

PAPA LEGBA: You will be my queen. And them… They will serve as I please.

VICKY: But we have men… jobs… lives…

PAPA LEGBA: No longer. I am your man. I am your occupation. I am your life. You belong to me.

MARIA & VICKY: Yes, Papa.

VICKY: (OFF) It’s so warm.

MARIA: (OFF) Hot potato.

DESIREE: It was only a joke. How did it get this far?

PAPA LEGBA: The queen wants to live as the flower, yet fears the bee. (CLOSE) But the bee has come for his honey.

TRIBAL MUSIC ENDS ON CLIMAX BEAT

-END-

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